To Love Is an Act of Will
Those sentiments that foster close relationships, community, and interdependence, such as love and commitment, have increasingly been considered old-fashioned and foolish. To be trusting is considered to be looking at the world with rose-colored glasses. A forgiving attitude is considered weak, an altruistic streak is suspect of ulterior motives, and a loving behavior is often labeled phony. These attitudes are ironic since these qualities are essential to building an enduring and rich relationship with another. Fairy tales lead one to believe that love equals romance and that romantic love is all that is needed to ensure living happily ever after within a relationship. When the beauty of romantic love fades, one may feel that love itself has faded. What is never mentioned in fairy tales is that love takes work to keep it alive. It may be helpful to remember that to love is often an act of will. Love is frequently thought of as a noun, but love needs to be thought of more as a verb. It is not uncommon for pain, disappointment, and feelings of failure to enter a relationship. It would be wise for one to be prepared to be resilient in a relationship, or one should be prepared to be lonely. The idea is resisted that love does not just happen, but it is learned each day. It is lived out in selfless acts toward others, and it is an act of one’s will, which takes great conscious effort. People who have learned to love well and to love for a long time have come to accept the times of discomfort and pain along with the moments of joy. It is not possible to walk through life without experiencing betrayal or pain. It is human nature to instinctively build walls around oneself for emotional protection. Learning to trust does not make one naive. It allows the person to experience the comfort and intimacy of sharing life with another. Love grows through an optimistic outlook. One’s partner may have failed to live up to one’s expectations that day. Perhaps one’s partner has an irritating habit that is annoying. A pessimistic outlook can be fended off if one remembers what is good in the relationship. Forgiveness is an act of will. One may choose to hold on to hurts and bring the relationship to a grinding halt, or one may choose to seek reconciliation and growth. The first instinct, when one has been hurt, is to strike back by inflicting pain upon the one who has caused the suffering. The possibility that acts of compassion and forgiveness could lead to a new understanding of oneself and result in a deeper dimension to the relationship is hidden behind the need to seek justice. Love does not hold up under the weight of guilt. Forgiveness offers the freedom to build upon the future while leaving past mistakes behind. There is not room in a loving relationship for large egos. To love is to shift the focus off oneself and onto the needs of others. To love is to stop always talking about oneself and begin listening to someone else. To love is to make accommodations for the joy of another. Love requires an attitude of thankfulness. A relationship does not thrive when it is taken for granted. Thoughtless behavior and rude words can, over a period of time, cause damage to a relationship. The phrases “please” and “thank you” are often ignored or assumed that they are understood. Each person in a relationship is responsible for creating an atmosphere of warmth and consideration. It is often said that love sometimes just dies. Love does not die naturally. It dies from neglect, indifference, and from being taken for granted. Like any other living thing, it takes nurturing and an effort to keep it healthy. Love is far more than a warm and fuzzy feeling. Love is something that is willed and lived out each day.
